Back to the Bible

I know all of you (well at least one) have been waiting with bated breath for the next installment. Here it is.


Chapter 15 starts off with those evil Pharisees pestering Jesus about breaking the traditions of the elders. Jesus rips them on the usual charge of hypocrisy. Jesus then explains things to his disciples in the form of a parable, with references to plants, the blind, and falling into pits. The disciples say, 'huh?' and ask for an explanation. Jesus gets annoyed with his stupid disciples, and then explains the parable anyway.

Not long after, Jesus runs into a Canaanite, and reluctantly heals her demon-possessed daughter. (Those must have been the Golden Years for demons. Everbody had one.) The reason he was reluctant was because she wasn't from the House of Israel and Jesus didn't want to take food (miracles) from children (Israelites) and throw them to the dogs (Gentiles). Nice guy! But he takes pity on her and heals her daughter anyway. Maybe he is a nice guy after all. Then he goes to the mountains, heals the afflicted, and does a replay of the loaves and fishes miracle.

Chapter 16 starts off with the usual bad guys, the Pharisees and Sadducees (P&S). He rips them for being too stupid to see the signs of the times. Jesus warns his disciples not to believe the P&S BS, but they don't get it because he talks in a parable again. Then they start whining about not understanding and not having brought lunch, and Jesus rips them for being so stupid. In an exasperated tone, he explains the parable and reminds them about the loaves and fishes trick. It must have been tough to get good help, even back then.

He asks his disciples who they think he is. Peter gets it right, and Jesus praises him saying, "...on this rock I will build my church." (Ch. 16, v.18) But then he tells his disciples not to tell anyone. Huh? Why not? Jesus prophesies his own death, but Peter objects. Jesus says to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan!" (Ch.16, v.23) So right after he praises Peter, he rips him a new one, calling him Satan and a stumbling block. Jesus must have been a tough guy to work for. Then he goes all apocalyptic, and says, "...there are some standing here who will not taste death before the Son of Man coming in his kingdon." Either some of Jesus' disciples are really old now, or this is the first case of many predictions of the end of the world that didn't happen.

In Chapter 17, Jesus scared the crap out of some of his crew by taking them into the mountains and having Moses and Elijah and the voice of God make appearances. Moses and Elijah weren't so scary, but the voice of God really did it to them. After they calmed down, Jesus told them not to tell anyone and that Elijah was really John the Baptist.

When they get back from the mountain, a man approaches Jesus and asks him to heal his epileptic son. The disciples had tried, but couldn't do it. Jesus rips into his disciples, "You faithless and perverse generation, how much longer must I be with you? How much longer must I put up with you?" (Ch.17, v.17) He healed the kid, but he was some pissed!

Later in the chapter, Jesus and Peter run into a tax collector. Kinda like a present-day IRS audit, I guess. Jesus agrees to pay, and sends Peter off to catch a fish that has a coin in its mouth to give the tax collector for both of them. Why the fish was involved, he doesn't say.

Well, that's it for now folks. I should go and do something productive in preparation for leaving for Vancouver tomorrow.